Single Dads

On occasion, I like to look at Craigslist, which I consider to be one of the great Internet success stories of our time. Not only is it great for browsing classifieds (which is where I found not only a great end table set, but the wonderful home where I now live), but it’s also fantastic for other nuggets of human interest, like personals, jobs, and humor. Hence I was overjoyed to find in the Best of Craigslist a posting from my hometown, Denver, that almost demands a written response.

In this anonymous posting, a forty-something man gives his 9 rules for dating, and I have to say that this gentleman has a few solid points. I’m not going to simply repeat his rant here, but I did have a couple of items of note to mention, namely:

1. I never seriously date a woman who terminated her last relationship because she wasn’t “happy”. Happiness is an emotional response to external stimuli. To break the vow of “til’ death do us part” over an emotional state that may or may not be another person’s fault, is shallow and shows a lack of emotional maturity. It tells me that woman is too self absorbed to be a reliable partner in the future.

5. “Independent” women. I never date a woman who feels the need to tout her own independence. First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity. When the United States declared independence from Great Britain, we dissolved the ties that had connected us to the British. I myself am independent and feel no need to tell everyone about it. It is called being an adult. Being able to take care of yourself doesn’t make you special, it makes you “grown folks”. Second, if you are that independent, why are you looking for a relationship in the first place? Independence is the opposite of dependence and being able to depend on others is why we get into relationships of any kind in the first place.

7. I don’t date women who have their children full time. Might come across as a shitty attitude to have, but I see no need to be a full time father to someone else’s children and a part time father to my own. This is a personal preference I developed after having discussions with my own children. Mine have been through enough already, I’m the Dad and feel I am doing what is best for my children, they were here first.

One of the things that I found particularly interesting about this man’s rules was the completely different perspectives that my girlfriend and I had on the same topics. My significant other found this guy to be bitter; I, on the other hand, didn’t. I found him realistic. But I didn’t agree with him on EVERY point. For instance, as a single father, I found the part about not dating women that have their children full time a touch… loathsome. I can understand that a person might not want to deal with extra people coming between you and your own children, but it kind of seems like a problem of time allocation. I also suspect that men that won’t date women that have their children full-time are eliminating a possibly fantastic pool of empathic mates. Personally, I’ve found most single mothers to be great people that are very appreciative of male attention.

Naturally, his results probably varied.
My rules were not nearly as complex - of course, I have a wonderful significant other and am so out of the single’s market that I’ve forgotten what the market is like - but yes, I do have rules, some of which were at one point probably a little similar to this person’s own. It’s an interesting perspective on the culture of fatherhood, being single, and dating later in life that exists in world today.

I grew up watching television relatively infrequently, but as often as I could steal a look. So, not shockingly, whatever I didn’t learn about manhood and being a father from my own dad (who is a fantastic father), I unfortunately picked up from a variety of analog sources. From Ward Cleaver to Mike Brady to Cliff Huxtable, subconsciously I studied, sticking little bits of knowledge away that I’d hopefully be able to apply much later. Fathers had an office in their house. They had important jobs. They were tough, but fair. And they wore sweaters. Very stylish ones, as well.

You can imagine, then, the horror that confronted me when I became a father, and realized that I was nothing like any of those fathers at all. There was no office in my house, where I could look important and mete out important insights. I certainly didn’t feel like I had an important job. In the face of a crying or morose child, I’d fold like a warm tortilla, so tough be fair was not a strong suit. Worst of all, my sweater collection was, and still is… lacking. Television parenting can be rough on real world self-confidence.

I might as well have had the word FAIL stenciled on my forehead.

Last weekend, though, something interesting happened.

My daughter’s 9 year old half-sister asked me, “Do you ever want to be somebody else?”

I told her not really, and she said that she wanted to be like my daughter’s godmother (we’ll call her R) and said that she wished that wished she was R.

Imagine my surprise when I told her that she shouldn’t wish that she was anyone else, that she should be her, that she was unique and special, and she was young, and had an awful lot to do before she could forget about what SHE could do. “You might not realize it now, but this is very important,” I told her, “you have a lot things to do. You have a lot that you can accomplish. Perhaps one day you’ll thank me for telling you that, but you certainly don’t have to.”

Then I turned to her and said one thing that rendered her completely speechless, and shocked me as well, since at this point, I was simply free thinking and had no concept what was going to come out of my mouth next.

“Honey, don’t think you have to be anybody else, even if you admire that person. You are wonderful all on your own. Just try to concentrate on being the best girl that YOU can be.”

“Now, you watch your little sister, and I’ll see you soon.”

Then I left, realizing with pride, and surprise, that this fatherhood thing might not turn out so badly after all. Here was yet another positive step in my parental development. With practice, I think that I can get this parenting thing right yet.

If only I had some fashion sense.

We live in an age of discovery, which is a fact that I am thankful for daily.  I am convinced that the powers that be mean well, even if they tend to come across little tidbits that can have lasting health impacts on you and yours just a little bit late.  The good news for children’s medications comes from the New York Times:

SILVER SPRING, Md., Oct. 19 — A Food and Drug Administration panel of advisers voted Friday to ban scores of popular over-the-counter cough and cold products intended for children under the age of 6 because they have not been proven to work and can cause injuries, a Food and Drug Administration panel of experts voted on Friday.

I find your lack of faith disturbing, says the US Government.

Actually, perhaps I am a little bit disturbed by the above news, especially since in the same article, one parent mentioned his belief that a pediatric cold medicine may have contributed to a brain injury to his child.

Possibly the worst thing about the article, though, was this quote:

Amy J. Celento-Stamateris, a patient representative on the panel from Nutley, N.J., said that she was worried that if the panel voted to remove all pediatric products from the market, parents would end up giving to their children products intended for adults, raising fears of overdoses.

“My concern is that by taking these medications off the market, parents have limited alternatives,” Ms. Celento-Stamateris said. “I’m not going to name names among my acquaintances, but people do use these medications to make their children get some sleep.”

I think that in the long, cold calculus of medications that can permanently hurt your children versus you, and them, losing sleep, the mathematics is clear.  Sleep loses.  I’ll bet that the person who gave their child that cold medication who now has to watch them go through multiple operations because of the side effects has REAL trouble sleeping at night.

I gave up on sleeping the first night my daughter came home.  I figure that I can make it up in, say, year 2018 or so.

Today, life gave way to stunning shock for me as Britney Spears managed to somehow completely lose the right and ability to see her children, ages 1 and 2.  Typically this is the kind of story that I could care less about, but for some reason this one hit a chord.  From the AP wire (via Yahoo):

Britney Spears can’t even visit her children now. The troubled pop star may not see 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James who are in the custody of Spears’ ex-husband, Kevin Federline until she complies with a court order, Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled.

The order, dated Wednesday, does not spell out what directives Spears defied. A hearing in the matter was scheduled for Oct. 26.

Now, I’m no big fan of Britney Spears (really, I’m not) but I’d sure love to know what she did to warrant that kind of situation.  A male friend who I’ll call Hank long ago told me that the only way in this country for a father to get custody of his children is for the mother to be a

But here’s a shocking admission: I believe that courts have far too much power over private lives anyway.

drug addict.  Hank eventually got custody of his child, but in fact, his child’s mother DID have to be a drug addict for it to happen - it only cost him $50,000 and a declaration of bankruptcy - and sadly nothing that I’ve seen in the last few years would that his declaration was untrue.

But here’s a shocking admission: I believe that courts have far too much power over private lives anyway.  The anarchist in me thinks that hey, we already have enough laws and enough incursions on privacy.  Leave most families alone.

On the other hand, if you are a completely incompetent parent, perhaps you SHOULDN’T be around your kids at all.

But another fact is that I’ve never seen a completely incompetent parent.  Never.  I’m sure that they exist; I just haven’t met one that set the parental bar that low.  Perhaps that’s a factor of the people that I know, but I can’t be certain.  I know some pretty odd people.

So, in the end,  I feel kind of bad for Ms. Federline-Spears; I feel badly for her kids, and I feel badly about the system in general.  The legal system: in matters considering your children, avoid it like some parents avoid giving their children vaccinations.

I find it funny how a rut can begin and how quickly familiarity can breed contempt.  Even a person that spends time on the ever-changing Internet (like myself) is not immune from the boredom that everyday life can bring.  So, I have found myself considering that topic, and how I might teach my daughter how to avoid the tedium the everyday world can bring.  As is not particularly unusual, I caught myself learning something new as well.

Perhaps you might have perceived that I’m quite the reader.  Exercise for the brain is really what opening up a book and reading really is.  Not to say, all books are particularly enjoyable - they aren’t.  Some are awful, at least by my estimation.

But not all are.  On occasion, a good book will remind you of something that you can use everyday; there’s a lesson there that can make you a better person, parent, and teacher.  And today, I remembered this some lines from this poem “If” by Rudyard Kipling:

“If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools”

…and so on.

There’s a lesson to be learned here, that I believe is similar to a quote that Joy Behar attributes to Rush Limbaugh in the worthwhile book Got What It Takes? Successful People Reveal How They Made It To The Topby Bill Boggs.  That is, be bold.  BE BOLD.  Mostly I can get behind that theory.  Very few people accomplish things of note without some measure of risk and hard work. 

For my daughter and myself, I will reinterpret that slightly. 

The real lesson is this: in whatever you decide to do, sure, be bold, but don’t let that be an excuse to be stupid.

Yes, I think that’s a good plan for us all.

What bold thing have you done today for your children or yourself?  Perhaps today, more than any day, is the perfect moment to try something radically different.

There was a pretty funny post over at yoga72179 titled Are You A Bitter Baby’s Mama or A Wise Single Mom? Take This Quiz And Find Out.  Naturally, the post was aimed at single moms, but as a single dad, the temptation to read this post was too strong to ignore.  Oh, and what wisdom was posted therein!  An excerpt:

If you’re a single mom who’s been holding it down alone or simply dealing with a hard-to-take ex, it’s easy to get caught up in tit-for-tat dynamics. But theres a price we pay when we allow bitterness to seep in and engage in no-holds-barred power struggles. Even if the anger is justified and we believe the other person had it coming. What begins to happen is that same bitterness spirals into the other facets of our lives causing a domino effect. And sooner than you know it, it starts to dominate your thoughts, consume your conversations and pollute your spirit.

How true, how true.  I was talking just the other day to a person similarly situated as I, as a single parent trying to get by.  Fortunately, I’m in a position where my day job is in a skill type position, and I have the ability to work more doing part-time work and freelancing.  For many, this isn’t the case, and this person’s situation with their child isn’t so great at all.  But an interesting thing that they said is that it “simply takes too much effort” to be a bitter parent - and they’re right.  Being a bitter parent is a net loss.  It comes out to family, friends,

Being a bitter parent is a net loss.

acquaintances, the legal system (which is so pleasant to deal with already) and others.  It steals your spirit, when spirit is one of the qualities that you need the most when you are a single parent.

High stress due to infighting with the ex over child-related issues?  Exercise.

Can’t sleep because you’re always thinking about the next move?  Read.

Don’t want to talk to the ex?  Fine, but don’t avoid the issue.  Your kids are at stake.

Being positive is the best, and most effective, form of therapy.  Bitter parents raise bitter kids, which the exact opposite of the result you should be trying to achieve.  Remember that.

No, no one interviewed me about being a great parent, although if someone wanted to, I’d extrapolate on a few parenting tips that I’ve learned, all the while thinking to myself that I really don’t know much of anything, am playing it all by ear, and simply trying to do the best that I can.  No, no one interviewed this single parent.

However, the author at Zen Habits was recently interviewed by ParentingWonder.com about his parenting skills, ideas, and how he has managed to help raising six children (gasp!) and keep everything together.  Here’s a quick excerpt:

5.    Every parent wants a happy, confident and successful kid. What’s the best way to achieve this?

Show that you care about what they do, help them become competent, give them confidence in their competence, support them, love them. There’s no one answer, but if you do these things, I think you’ll succeed.

Spoken like a true believer; you can sign me up for his newsletter.  If he can handle six, certainly I can handle one.  If you take nothing else from his interview but love and priorities, then I think your reading would be a successful interpretation indeed.