Single Dads

Culture is an excellent propagator of divorces as well. Let’s prove that in today’s lesson.

Many years ago, I knew a woman that I’ll call Jill. Jill was an attractive woman, more intelligent than most, who was at heart, a nice and relatively well meaning person with an interesting personality and a decent person. She was a good cook, a loyal individual, and a snappy dresser. In short, she was a great catch for just about anyone.

Unfortunately, she had one major flaw.

I’ll call it “The Cosmo Factor”.

Everything that she knew about men she seemed to cull from the pages of women’s magazines. Cosmopolitan, Elle, and others were a continual staple of her reading diet. If she wanted to know how to impress a man? Cosmo had an article with the goods. Why did men leave their girlfriends? The answer was in Allure. Any and all answers to all of the burning questions surrounding the classic, awesome, and continual Battle Of The Sexes could be found in a pop culture magazine geared towards women. Each magazine contained to the gospel to her. None of her male friends had the courage to tell her how wrong those periodicals were, though… much to our detriment.

Eventually, we drifted apart.

Enter 2007. To my horror, I read an Internet article titled 6 Sneaky Ways to a Better-Looking Partner , and God help me, the first person that I thought of was her. Here’s the intro, via Yahoo.

Pride may be one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but your lover’s lack of pride in how he looks can be even deadlier - to your love life, that is.

Sure, dedication, intelligence, and a sense of humor are what really stir the chemistry between you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want your partner to feel like they’re on top of their game, looks-wise.

After all, a confident partner is a sexually motivated partner, and sometimes an extra dose of sensuality is all a relationship needs to go to the next level. But beware: Goosing your loved one into taking better care of himself can be dicey territory, and even the most polite suggestion that “maybe you need to lose a few pounds” can lead to somebody sleeping on the couch for a week.

As I read this, I stifled a scream. Please, not the return of women again trying to change their men. Aren’t divorce rates high enough in this country and others? Isn’t the level of resentment, among men and women, high enough, finally? Doesn’t anyone believe that men can read?

People, people. If you’re getting involved, and the thing that you want to do is CHANGE your partner, I can promise you you’re not doing it right.

And guys, before you start thinking that you are all clever, “Maxim” is a man’s answer to Cosmo.  Both magazines give false hope to clueless individuals.  I could have called this the “Maxim Factor”quite easily.

So, for this article, I award this comment on the article 6 Sneaky Ways to a Better-Looking Partner:

You have failed.

At no time in recent memory, has an article failed more than this one.

Please, never do this again.

Not long ago, I took a position with another company for a day job, and honestly, I couldn’t be more pleased with my choice. I’m close to home and getting to my daughter or her school is quite easy, but these weren’t the primary reasons that I took the job. That got me thinking today.

If you’re a divorced parent looking for a new job for the holidays, or even just after the holidays, there are a few things that you should keep in mind for your hunt, besides just money.

1. Health Insurance

My new employer gives me the opportunity to cover my daughter as well as myself at no cost to me. This might be a benefit that you might be looking for as well - especially if you have an ex where the health insurance situation might be suspect. All kids need health insurance.

2. Life Insurance

Does your employer, or perspective employer, offer life insurance? In today’s times, you definitely, DEFINITELY need some life insurance, especially if you care about what might happen to your children were something critical to happen to you.

3. Family Friendly Policies

These have REALLY come in handy for me. My employer doesn’t mind me working from home, or taking time off for school functions. This can be a real boon for a divorced parent, as things tend to come up that you don’t know about necessarily until the last minute. Health situations, holiday parties, last minute pick ups, and other situtations can and will occur. How does your new employer (or old) look at these situations?

4. Other Benefits

Some employers offer benefits such as health savings plans, flexible transportation plans, and 529 plans directly deposited from your paycheck. Any or all of these can be a big help to a divorced or even NOT divorced parent. Does your prospective employer offer any of these or other less popular but just as valuable benefits?

Take a look at the full benefits offered by your prospective employer, and consider those before you make a leap into the unknown.

As a man with children and an ex, I’m always keeping my eye out for things to help my daughter out (and me) out financially. One important thing that you can do at the end of the year is start planning for your kids future, both financially and educationally, and one way that I’ve done that is by using a 529 plan.

A 529 plan is an investment vehicle for future educational expenses that grows federally and state income tax free that has various rules and regulations based on the state in which you live and the specific plan in which you want to enroll. In Colorado, the plan that I enrolled in was found at CollegeInvest.org, and I can tell you from experience, it definitely pays to shop around for a plan, as fees and past performance can be vastly different. Also, in my plan, my ex has no claim to the money invested and my donation to the plan is state income tax deductible up to $250.00 as long as I donate that amount to my daughter’s plan before year end. Nice. Another bonus is that if your children don’t use the 529 money, you can use it yourself for qualified expenses, and in other cases, for unqualified expenses, although a tax hit would probably occur. If my daughter doesn’t use the plan that I started for her, I’ll buy a boat and give it her name instead. Probably.

Naturally, before you were to invest in such a thing, you definitely want to do your research or talk to a financial planner or another tax or financial professional before you jump. For me, though, it’s perfect. Better, I feel like I’m doing something positive for my daughter, as I suspect that college expenses in the future will be astronomical and I have no indication that my ex is doing any planning for my daughter’s educational future, period.

But now is a great time to look at some sort of educational planning for your kids. Take a look at it.

One of the most accepted reasons that a lot of people stay in miserable, abusive, or otherwise ridiculous relationships is to keep the family together. He’s staying with her because of the kids, people whisper. Once the kids leave, they’re done - they’ve been done for a long time. I’ve heard it among friends. I’ve said it about others. For a while, I thought that I would be one of those people.

So, with some shock, at present, I respectfully disagree with those assessments.

I submit that while some may believe that they stay in terrible relationships and marriages because of their children, it’s actually due to a much more subtle reason that I can only describe to you now, after some time removed from the situation.

When I first broke up with my ex, naturally, I hated being away from my daughter and her half-sister. But after spending a good part of three years with a family unit, and changing diapers, reading stories, going to parent/teacher meetings, brushing hair in the mornings, I was a little surprised to notice after a short time that not seeing the kids on a continual basis was not the thing that bothered me most.

Nope. After the ex, I went out and got an nice apartment that had a lot of room and a spare bedroom for my daughter, grabbed some furniture, and almost immediately started having Grace over, which was great. Also, I had a chance to meet and spend time with other people, which eventually led to my present relationship. But I would notice that when I walked by my daughter’s room , filled with her playpen, some clothes, some blankets, toys and books, when neither of the kids were at the house, I would get a chill. Even seeing her door from my master bedroom was bothersome.

As time went on, I noticed myself closing the door to her room when she wasn’t at home. This didn’t help. Still I could feel that empty room calling out to me. I tried sleeping in her room on the floor, and found that didn’t help either. I even tried moving the bed around didn’t work. The couch in the living room was even less comfortable.

It occurs to me now that it wasn’t just being away from my daughter that was painful, it was that haunted, empty room, and I submit that is the dark secret for many parents, men and women, that keeps us from that necessary divorce or split: fear of that empty room.

As time as gone on, I no longer fear the empty room. My daughter shares a room with her half-sister at her mother’s house; here, she has a room all to herself. Within that room I have pictures, a bookcase, two beds and a dresser. All match. All of her toys are exactly where she leaves them when she leaves our home; her dolly is in her crib and covered with her blanky, gloves are in the wrong drawer, birthday balloon still in the closet, Elmo in my daughter’s bed, piggy bank (with change), still sitting on the bookcase, and puzzles strewn all about, and the scribbled picture she drew me in crayon as a present… and I can look at all with a smile.

Don’t be afraid of the empty room.

Happiness can still follow. Believe it.

It’s the holidays, and ’tis the season to tell your honey that you love them and want to marry them. An awful lot of people of the marrying type have seen movies like When Harry Met Sally, where the big proposal takes place on New Year’s Eve, and I’m sure that there are countless other films like that one that I just can’t recall at the moment.

Well, hold that thought. Perhaps before you pop the question (or accept a question that is popped), consider the future, and do it carefully, because the last thing that you want to do in the long run is end up in a situation where you’ll think about divorcing your spouse, because divorce is not fun and you want to avoid forever if possible. Here are some guidelines to help you find your mate, and keep them.

On Compatibility

Here your question is this: do they like what you like? Are they a geek? Do they like to write? Is your prospective mate a hard worker, or lazy? Do they like wine, beer, or milk? If you and your prospective spouse are employed professionals, would you hire your spouse, given their personality? Your best bet is that the person that you want is into what you’re into. In the famous words of Chris Rock, whatever they’re into, you’ve got to be into too. If your hobbies, work ethic, and activities jibe, you’ve got a much better chance.

On Finances

Is your mate a well organized financial person? Are finances important to them? This is interesting, because in many families, one person or the other picks up the other person’s financial slack. In that case, is the person who is the “slacker” willing to make an effort? Is money something you discuss, not scream about? What is your combined debt situation, and is that a deal breaker?

In most of the successful marriages that I know, the man is the one that needs the organizational help the most. Make of that what you will.

On Emotion

Are you in love? Meaning, can you look into the future and envision yourself with this person for the next ten years? Do you trust this person’s opinion and cherish their advice and support? In short, are you committed?

If not, you’ve got trouble. If so, there’s a shot.

On Children

If either of you wants children and the other doesn’t, then you’re going to have a problem. If you’re a woman and want kids when he doesn’t, won’t, and isn’t ready, resentment will set in. If you’re a man and you want kids and she doesn’t, you’ve got a similar situation… and she will have a lot of competition from co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers. Neither position is at ALL positive for future of your relationship.

If one or both of you already has children, how does your future spouse treat their existing children or your existing children?

On Family

Not a lot of people remember that if you’re marrying someone, you’re marrying their family as well. Not only that, but the way that your prospective partner treats their existing family is a window into how they might treat you down the line. Look at your partner’s relationship with their mother, father, brothers and sisters. Do they have a good relationship? Beyond that, keeping in mind that every family is just a little crazy to begin with by definition, how crazy is your partner’s family? Is it something that you can live with?

On Filling The Gaps

One of the most attractive things relationships in general is the ability to fill the gaps: those things that people aren’t good at, but are activities where their partners excel. Did you want to me a stay at home dad, and your prospective spouse the breadwinner? Do you hate to cook while your spouse loves to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday?

These are great examples of filling the gaps. If you’re aware of your gaps, vaguely aware of your partners, and are comfortable with those differences and are willing to accept those without trying to change their personality to be like your own, then you have a darn good thing going.

The biggest reason for divorce is not cheating, money, or domestic abuse; it’s MARRIAGE. Therefore it’s reasonable to consider carefully your situation with your significant other before you take the plunge, because divorce is a cause of poverty, suffering, and heartache. Think, if just for a minute.

Remember when a few weeks ago, I called for someone to put up a website that had a list of toys proven to contain no lead?

Well, in spite of my calling of “dibs” on the idea, someone did it.  I find it sad that no one in America respects the power of dibs anymore.

The Consumer Action Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys, which is available to the public at http://www.healthytoys.org, shows how the commonly purchased children’s products rank in terms of containing lead, cadmium, arsenic and other harmful chemicals. It comes in time for holiday shopping — and amid the slew of recalls.

This is for your information, you parents out there, single or otherwise.

The main problem now is what, exactly, to buy my daughter for Christmas?  There’s only so many clothes that I can buy, and books, although great for three-year olds, get a little boring after a while.  I’d love some suggestions; feel free to leave some ideas in the comments.

On occasion I suffer from writer’s block, that bane of bloggers, journalists, authors, musicians and poets everywhere, and after reading an article from someone that I read regularly on the pratfalls of writing, it occurred to me that the waffling over the decision to get a divorce and the affliction known romantically as writer’s block have something in common: both can be partially explained by the emotion of fear.

This writer mentioned a few fears: failure, success, rejection, mediocrity, and risk. Think about the possibility of a divorce that looms. What are your fears with divorce?

There is the fear of success, meaning that you won’t have to deal with a painful relationship any longer, which also means that you won’t have the certainty of knowing who you’re coming home to at night.

There is the fear of failure, meaning that you broach the divorce solution with your spouse and they reject that, which could mean, if you weren’t resolute in your feelings for a divorce prior to the conversation, that you might change your mind and be stuck in terrible relationship.

There is the fear of separation of family, meaning that if you have kids, you might not be able to see your children whenever you might like.

There is the fear of rejection, meaning that after your successful divorce, other people might find you to be a poor relationship risk.

There is the fear of the unknown, meaning that you might have been together with your ex for so long that you have no idea what it’s like out in the single world again, and that you have to start your search for your true love all over again, and you might fail at that.

If those fears aren’t enough to terrify you, there are others: fear that the ex will sully your reputation, fear that you’ll lose mutual friends, or fear that your ex will leave with your money or possessions that can also come into play.

If you are truly ready to get a divorce, seriously consider your fears. Only after serious contemplation will you be able to conquer those emotions that hold you back.