Single Dads

I took a pretty extended break from blogging for a little bit (my most significant break since, oh, 2004 or so) but after a vacation to SXSW, spending an increasing amount of time with my four-year old (that’s about to go up too - more on that later) and trying to concentrate on work, I found the exact article to ease my way back into the writing gig when I saw this this little educational nugget about the public educational system, or lack of it.

WASHINGTON - Seventeen of the nation’s 50 largest cities had high school graduation rates lower than 50 percent, with the lowest graduation rates reported in Detroit, Indianapolis and Cleveland, according to a report released Tuesday.

MSNBC gets the cite.

Let’s see.  I live in Denver.  It’s one of the most highly educated cities in the nation, I’ve heard somewhere.

Denver:  Denver County School District - 46.3 percent graduation rate.

43.6 percent graduation rate?

So I’m going to have to try to send my daughter to private schools for the rest of her days?

Public education.  My wallet.  I weep for them both.

I would expect that one of the things that lots of divorcees with kids grapple with is relationships with the ex. Speaking from experience, I can say equivocally that this happens… everywhere. You broke up with your ex for a reason, be it infidelity, finances, emotional abuse, or whatever it is… and if you have kids, there is some sort of split relationship, most likely, involving them.

People. People. Let me enlighten you on one irrevocable fact.

You WILL be dealing with your ex for the rest of your life, unless you are in one of the extreme cases where it’s unsafe for you, or your children, to be near the ex. You can’t avoid, ignore, or otherwise shut them out. You may think that there is, but there is not, because the kids are involved, and will be forever.

What does this mean for you, the traumatized, or on the other hand, insufferable other parent?

It means that you will have to get over it. Deal with the other parent. When you have to, converse with the other parent. In fact, consider the other parent, as distasteful as it might be for you or them, part of your family, because when it comes down to it, that is exactly what they are. Not a conventional family in the way that you might like, but a family, nonetheless. Existing children will guarantee this fact. Surely, you will still recall what it is that made you so unhappy with them, fine. You can remember that if you like.

But the key emotion, and the hardest to learn, is this, with all apologies to Don Henely:

Forgiveness.

Even if you don’t love them anymore.

Something that you need to definitely have to do when you divorce is watch yourself, and watch your name. Google it if you have to. I have personal experience with this phenomenon.

My present girlfriend had the wonderful experience of being stalked by her ex. He started a website solely for the purposes of trying to make my girlfriend look bad, put her down, and talk about personal information. He would put pictures on his site and allude negatively towards her work habits, personal experiences, and et cetera. Absolutely a prince, you might say. Eventually, it took a threat from the FBI, local law enforcement, and various websites being pulled from free sites for violations of terms of service to make him cease and desist.

My ex is similar, but does a different kind of stalking. On her MySpace page, (a page that which I read regularly) she describes how miserable she is and attempts to slam me as having a drinking problem and being an irresponsible and deadbeat dad… despite my regular OVER payments for child support - never missing a payment, regular visits, and general overall support. The reason that I am not with her is that we don’t get along. I DO want to be with my child 24/7. It’s a huge difference, and an emotionally and legally expensive one.

Solutions? I’m not sure that I have one, and if anyone has any great ideas, then I’m all ears. I’m already considering legal action.  However, if your breakup with your ex was acrimonious, then learn to use Google. Be your best private detective. Keep a journal It can be a little annoying and perhaps may cause you fume a bit, but make sure that you have all the possible information. At least that way, if you decide to follow through, then you’ll have all the information. Over at WiredSafety.org, they have a lot of great information about cyberstalking and a number of other Internet crimes.

Here’s one that you can write down; despite any odd thing that I might see in her behavior, actions, or choices, you will never see me slam her in print. That’s no better than gossip, and despite the fact that our relationship didn’t work out, she does have good qualities for someone else. That won’t stop me from being the dad of a three year old.

Remember as well; self improvement is the best form of revenge.

Hello everyone!  Back from the holidays.   They were busy.

I certainly didn’t get a whole lot of everything, but come to think of it, I don’t really need that much.  The real highlight of my holiday was spending time with my daughter.  Now, SHE cleaned up.  Is it a popular vice of co-parents that they completely and totally overspend for the holidays?  I think that Grace has every Princess toy known to mankind now.  Yet, I still am finding that I need to get her more.  She really needs a tent.  Also some new clothes, even though she already has quite a few.  but the temptation to keep buying clothes (she’ll be four in a few months, and she’s always growing) is ridiculous.  I’m never sure that her mother is going to buy her clothes.

Anyway, I’m back.

Not long ago, I took a position with another company for a day job, and honestly, I couldn’t be more pleased with my choice. I’m close to home and getting to my daughter or her school is quite easy, but these weren’t the primary reasons that I took the job. That got me thinking today.

If you’re a divorced parent looking for a new job for the holidays, or even just after the holidays, there are a few things that you should keep in mind for your hunt, besides just money.

1. Health Insurance

My new employer gives me the opportunity to cover my daughter as well as myself at no cost to me. This might be a benefit that you might be looking for as well - especially if you have an ex where the health insurance situation might be suspect. All kids need health insurance.

2. Life Insurance

Does your employer, or perspective employer, offer life insurance? In today’s times, you definitely, DEFINITELY need some life insurance, especially if you care about what might happen to your children were something critical to happen to you.

3. Family Friendly Policies

These have REALLY come in handy for me. My employer doesn’t mind me working from home, or taking time off for school functions. This can be a real boon for a divorced parent, as things tend to come up that you don’t know about necessarily until the last minute. Health situations, holiday parties, last minute pick ups, and other situtations can and will occur. How does your new employer (or old) look at these situations?

4. Other Benefits

Some employers offer benefits such as health savings plans, flexible transportation plans, and 529 plans directly deposited from your paycheck. Any or all of these can be a big help to a divorced or even NOT divorced parent. Does your prospective employer offer any of these or other less popular but just as valuable benefits?

Take a look at the full benefits offered by your prospective employer, and consider those before you make a leap into the unknown.

It’s the holidays, and ’tis the season to tell your honey that you love them and want to marry them. An awful lot of people of the marrying type have seen movies like When Harry Met Sally, where the big proposal takes place on New Year’s Eve, and I’m sure that there are countless other films like that one that I just can’t recall at the moment.

Well, hold that thought. Perhaps before you pop the question (or accept a question that is popped), consider the future, and do it carefully, because the last thing that you want to do in the long run is end up in a situation where you’ll think about divorcing your spouse, because divorce is not fun and you want to avoid forever if possible. Here are some guidelines to help you find your mate, and keep them.

On Compatibility

Here your question is this: do they like what you like? Are they a geek? Do they like to write? Is your prospective mate a hard worker, or lazy? Do they like wine, beer, or milk? If you and your prospective spouse are employed professionals, would you hire your spouse, given their personality? Your best bet is that the person that you want is into what you’re into. In the famous words of Chris Rock, whatever they’re into, you’ve got to be into too. If your hobbies, work ethic, and activities jibe, you’ve got a much better chance.

On Finances

Is your mate a well organized financial person? Are finances important to them? This is interesting, because in many families, one person or the other picks up the other person’s financial slack. In that case, is the person who is the “slacker” willing to make an effort? Is money something you discuss, not scream about? What is your combined debt situation, and is that a deal breaker?

In most of the successful marriages that I know, the man is the one that needs the organizational help the most. Make of that what you will.

On Emotion

Are you in love? Meaning, can you look into the future and envision yourself with this person for the next ten years? Do you trust this person’s opinion and cherish their advice and support? In short, are you committed?

If not, you’ve got trouble. If so, there’s a shot.

On Children

If either of you wants children and the other doesn’t, then you’re going to have a problem. If you’re a woman and want kids when he doesn’t, won’t, and isn’t ready, resentment will set in. If you’re a man and you want kids and she doesn’t, you’ve got a similar situation… and she will have a lot of competition from co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers. Neither position is at ALL positive for future of your relationship.

If one or both of you already has children, how does your future spouse treat their existing children or your existing children?

On Family

Not a lot of people remember that if you’re marrying someone, you’re marrying their family as well. Not only that, but the way that your prospective partner treats their existing family is a window into how they might treat you down the line. Look at your partner’s relationship with their mother, father, brothers and sisters. Do they have a good relationship? Beyond that, keeping in mind that every family is just a little crazy to begin with by definition, how crazy is your partner’s family? Is it something that you can live with?

On Filling The Gaps

One of the most attractive things relationships in general is the ability to fill the gaps: those things that people aren’t good at, but are activities where their partners excel. Did you want to me a stay at home dad, and your prospective spouse the breadwinner? Do you hate to cook while your spouse loves to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday?

These are great examples of filling the gaps. If you’re aware of your gaps, vaguely aware of your partners, and are comfortable with those differences and are willing to accept those without trying to change their personality to be like your own, then you have a darn good thing going.

The biggest reason for divorce is not cheating, money, or domestic abuse; it’s MARRIAGE. Therefore it’s reasonable to consider carefully your situation with your significant other before you take the plunge, because divorce is a cause of poverty, suffering, and heartache. Think, if just for a minute.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, far and away my favorite holiday. Not only because Thanksgiving is one of my holidays with the three-year-old, but because I love turkey, dressing (and yes, my mother still makes the best dressing on the face of the planet,) and the football, the family, and the pageantry.

As a result, I thought that I’d share with you what I’m thankful for this holiday season.

Grace. Being able to be with my daughter on Thanksgiving is a blessing like no other. Just being in the same room with her is enough to put me in a good mood; this gets better when you’re watching Ratatouille, playing Chutes and Ladders (yes, that game from your long ago past), and feasting on sweet potato tarts. Ah, the joy.

My girlfriend. She inspires, helps to keep me grounded, and makes me feel better when I just feel tired of all the work. She is wonderful, and I was honored to spend my Thanksgiving with her.

My family. They are capable of both driving me nuts and keeping me sane. They taught me some of the best things that I know. And dang, can they cook a feast. My mother and father are great people, as are a brother, sister-in-law, two nieces, and a myriad of cousins, uncles, and aunts, my of whom I’m fortunate enough to have in the immediate area. Grace and I are very lucky indeed.

So, to all of them Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope that yours was great as well.