How To StifleThe Pain of Separation

Not long ago, I received an email from a single dad who is going through something similar to what I went through a couple of years back when Grace’s mother and I broke up.  This guy’s marriage crumbled, and he wanted to know how to, paraphrasing his words, avoid the accusations and feelings of abandonment and guilt.

Well, single dads and single moms, here’s my thoughts.

First, let’s be realistic.  Breaking up with a longtime partner or spouse is bad.  Really bad.  I’ve heard it be described as everything from feeling like you were in a serious car accident every day for years to, in one friend’s words, “simply worse than you can possibly imagine.”  I never knew what he meant until a few years ago.

Now, however, I know.  It’s bad.

Feeling of abandonment and guilt, whatever the prior situation, are bound to occur at some point, especially if you have kids, assuming that your family life held a high priority to you.  To put it bluntly, you can’t avoid it.  I might argue, even, that you shouldn’t.  Divorce and separation can feel like a death in a close family; sometimes, you just need to mourn.

But don’t go crazy.

In the situation where you left a spouse or loved one and left children behind, STAY ON TOP OF THE FAMILY SITUATION.  You love your kids, most likely, your kids love you.  You’re a parent, and become no less of a parent because you’re not there 24/7.  The dirty little secret is that very few of us are actually there 24/7 anyway.  But don’t lose track of what your kids are doing.  Ask questions: about school, friends, home, what their likes and dislikes are, everything.  If your kids are too small to answer back, play with them.  Watch movies.  Read with them.  Take them to parks.  In short, be an active parent.  You’ll be amazed at how much less sulking time that gives you.  I still get fidgety if I don’t see my daughter within a certain time period.

Another suggestion I would give would be to learn to tune out the noise.  Obviously, if you’ve been with your partner for any appreciable amount of time, they are going to know you alarmingly well, and one of those things that they will most certainly know and will almost positively take advantage of is which buttons to push.  Listening to the pertinent information and eliminating the noise is a skill that takes time to master, but it will be necessary for your mental health – and it will be your mental health that will allow you to thrive without your significant other.  Remember that, and achieve a zen-like comfort level.

Finally, and this might not seem to be obvious, but get a lawyer if you can.  This person is more than just a person that knows the law, it’s a person that knows the law that you are paying to be on your team.  This simple knowledge will give you an important, and at least in my situation, unexpected emotional boost.  Really it helped.  Also lawyer will give you all sorts of information that you knew, but somehow forgot about when it comes to separation.  It sounds strange, but it works.

Those are a few things that come to mind.  I know that I’ll come up with more.  I’ll keep thinking.

Hang in there!

The Cautionary Tale of Jamie Lynn Spears

Gentlemen,

Watch yourselves and the ones that you are with. Please.

The National Enquirer is reporting that 17 year old Jamie Lynn Spears is now expecting for the second time just three months after giving birth on June 19 to baby Maddie Briann.

And before you say anything about it being from TNE, just remember, they were right about her being pregnant the first time….

They say that Jamie Lynn is desperate to keep the shock­ing news secret and some people close to her are urging her to consider ending the pregnancy.

This newsflash comes courtesy, which probably isn’t the right word, of the Daily Stab.   If true, and one must consider carefully the source, then there are two responses that a responsible Single Dad could give.  One is:

The second thought?  Men, teach your daughters something, please.  PLEASE.  It’s impossible to relay how important being a good father really is to the welfare of your children, and especially girls.

This is not to say that Jamie Lynn doesn’t have a good father; I’ve never known or talked to the man.  But we know for a fact that at least some information on babies didn’t sneak through the adolescent filter.

Family is all important, so much so that I now tend to measure my wealth in familial terms.

Somehow, I doubt we’ll be seeing any more books on the raising of the Spears’ children anytime soon.  I hope not.

My First Book Review

You probably noticed that I haven’t been writing a whole lot lately.

It’s no coincidence, and yes, I’m still alive. I’ve just been busy. Besides doing some writing for Divorce 360 and my own blog, POW – The blog (although that’s been suffering recently – I need to go back to my roots), I’ve been hanging out with the four year old, working quite a bit, and now… reviewing books. As a member of the website LibraryThing, I signed up for the Early Reviewers program. It has its perks.

So, here’s my first review – that I’m going to put with my first freelance paycheck stub and my first volunteer freelance letter. Be kind, because God knows that I have no idea what I’m doing.

Yet.

But all is falling into place. I think.

–

To say that I fancy myself a poet is not exactly accurate; somewhere in a trunk at home there is a folder with Lord only knows how many pieces of poetry that I wrote in the 80’s and 90’s, when things for me were much bleaker and introspective. I even had some success writing a poem that was published a very long time ago.

Therefore, I looked forward to reading How To Write A Suicide Note by Sherry Quan Lee, a multicultural womanwriting about her grappling with suicide, growing up different, and finding herself. To say that I “liked” the series of “poems” (many of which read more like prose than poetry to me – that seems, in retrospect, apt) is not quite the correct word. This was a great series, but in some ways, was so emotional and passionate, that I actually had difficulty reading them. But then again, I’m often dramatic when it comes to topics of this nature.

This was a very good book that I would recommend to people interested in mental health issues, multiculturalism, self-help, poetry or real-life essays, and if you are a parent, read this and learn.

–

Let me know what you think. The curiosity is killing me.

Yet Another Of The Talks That I Hope To Give My Daughter

Hey, all! Yes, I know, it’s been quite a while.

I could probably type until my fingers were sore on what I’ve been doing lately, since I was such a regular blogger and all for such a long time, but I won’t. Not because it’s boring (it isn’t), but it’s late, and I’m a bit tired, a bit sick, and a bit blue. But only a bit.

The thing that I forgot, though, was that writing always helps, and so, lo, again I’m here to write to you all, apologizing for my long absence from blogging. Hope that you all are doing well!

Here we are, in the midst of the American Silly Season (others might call it Election Year), and I’ve been spending a lot of time with the 4 year old, Grace, to whom this blog is dedicated. It’s been a trying year, but one of change, and that is, I think, a good thing. But my thoughts turned to post that I wrote quite a while ago called One Of The Talks That I Hope To Give My Daughter and, by jove, I think I have another one.

That post was about drugs. This one is about a topic just as dangerous: relationships.

Being that I’m a single dad, one might surmise, correctly, that my luck with women has not been the best. But, as this man approaches 40, I’m beginning to catch a whiff of what might be a working theory. I’m pretty sure that it would work for women, too.

It would go something like this, I think:

“Grace, you’re getting older now, and I’m sure that you’ll want to date, if you haven’t already. Most of those you might not even tell me about. I hope that you do, but you might not. Before you do, though, let me give you a little advice from an old dad who has been dating for a while.”

“You’re going to meet a lot of people. Some of them will like you for who you are, and some, compulsively, will try to change you. Of those two types, realize that once you realize who you are, and you probably haven’t yet, you won’t change too much. You might pick up or lose a habit; you might gain or lose an interest. Fine. But the whole of you, the person that is you, won’t change, so finding someone that you have something important in common with might be…big.”

“But that isn’t the lesson.”

“The real lesson is to try to not be that person who tries to change the other. That path will not make you happy, and I doubt that it will make the other person happy. Be the best person that you can be, care about the one that you love, respect the relationship that you have, never be afraid to communicate with that person, but be ready to drop and run if you have to.”

“Grow together, improve together, encourage each other, and share everything. EVERYTHING. From the dash of your hairspray, to the bills in the mail, to the joys in your lives. Share it and relish it all. Because, Gracie, if you don’t share it all, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, you’ll have secrets, and you will not be a couple. You might be a relationship, but not a couple. In the end, that will probably not make you happy, when your being happy is the only wish that I will ever have for you.”

I think, think that is what I might say.

I don’t know, though. Seems a bit long winded. What do you think?

8 Things To Do With Your Goofy Self After The Divorce

After going through the hell of getting divorced, you’re spent.  You’re tired.  You’re lonely.  You feel like you’ve been hit by a car, landed on train tracks and run over by a passing railcar, then knocked into the path of an oncoming bus.  Worse, these seem to be your good days.  But after all that passes, the realization sets in, and you are confronted by a question:

Now what the Hell do I do with myself?

At some point in everyone’s post-divorce aftermath, this bitter but realistic question rears it’s ugly head, and idleness is the Devil’s playground.  Here’s what I do to stem the tide of emotional trouble.

1.  Sign up to and attend functions for Meetup.com.

Meetup.com is a website that helps you to arrange actual face to face meetings with others that share your situations, hobbies, or interests.  I’ve been to a couple of meetups for a couple of groups myself.  I’ve yet to regret it.

2.  Attend local festivals and events.

Summer in Denver is the height of the festival season.  I missed the People’s Fair this year, but if you know where to look, you can always find cheap and free events that have the added bonus of helping you to forget the ex that ran off with the waitress from the bar down the street.  In Denver, you can find these amnesia-producing nuggets at the Denver.org site, and in many cites, you can look for free gatherings in your local independent newspaper of choice.

3.  Spend time with friends and family.

If you are like me or a lot of the people that I know, friends and family FREQUENTLY get kicked to the curb when things start to go sour in your home life.  Now that you’re divorced, there’s absolutely no reason to let that continue.

Reconnect with family and friends.  In the end, they will help you more than you thought possible.

4.  Read a book, then go see the authors of the books that you enjoy.

I’m way behind on my book reading lately, but if you’re so inclined, book reading is a great diversion from ex-spouse wallowing.  Here’s a list of books that I’ve read in the last year or so, and as you can see, I’ve done a lot of diverting.  Even better, you can get your social on and then buy the book and go to a book signing, class, or meet and greet at places like Barnes and Noble, the Tattered Cover, and even your local library.

5.  Enjoy the outdoors.

As the brain becomes addled with breakups, pain, economic hardship, and all, people tend to forget about the wonder of nature – that force to which we are all connected, like it or not.  When was the last time that you walked barefoot in the grass?  Ran in the surf?  Went for a hike?

If you find yourself not remembering when the last time you noticed a fragrant, growing and living flower or watched nesting birds fly overhead, then you haven’t been outside in the air enough.  Make time to do it.  You’ll feel better, I can almost guarantee it.

6.   Spend time with your kids, if you have them.

Perhaps I’m fortunate here.  I get to spend a LOT of time with my daughter.  Plus, she’s an absolute joy to spend time with, which makes life even easier.  But I believe that spending time with your progeny is extremely important.

Here’s a pic to share with you to prove my point.

I call it Grace with Bear.  I believe we had come back from a fair that day.

Years from now, I will have the pictures to prove that I was there.

7.  Get a hobby.

As much as I love surfing the Internet (and this site in particular,) that is not a hobby.  Photography is a hobby.  Scrapbooking, although not recommended, as thoughts of the ex will surely pop up, is a hobby.  Mountainbiking is a hobby.  These things keep your mind engaged, and will keep you from dwelling on the past.

8.  Align yourself with other similarly situated people.

Shameless plug:  I joined Divorce360 for exactly this purpose.  I get information, support, and sympathy from people.  Sometimes that helps.

There’s eight things that I do pretty regularly that help me in my post-breakup life.  Perhaps you can add to the list!

Notice, though, that nowhere did I mention the idea of “exacting the perfect revenge.”  I must be better off than I thought.

Think, Parents!

A cautionary tale for parents, divorced or otherwise.

Yesterday, I was at the park with my daughter, Grace, her half-sister Noelle, and their mother.  It was a gorgeous day, and the playground was relatively close to the kids’ school and two other schools, but when we arrived, there were no other children there.  We stuck close and let the kids play in the sand.

I scanned the area.  Nothing particular was out of whack; it was, quite simply, a very simple park, with playground, a port-a-potty (yuck!) and a large, fairly well restored plantation-looking house that I could only assume was some sort of neighborhood gathering place or clubhouse back in the day.

At about the time that I started explaining to Grace that the loud pecking that we heard on the house was simply a very loud woodpecker, I noticed one thing out of place.

One middle aged man in a lawn chair.  Sitting about a block away from us at the other edge of the park looking at nothing in particular.

My parental instincts made a loud buzzing sound.  It was very similar to the sound the inside of my head used to make when a good-looking woman was within some distance of my personal space, but I hadn’t seen her yet.  I used to call it a Spider Sense, after the character.

While watching and playing with the kids, out of the corner of my eye I kept looking at this pudgy, middle aged man.

After a while of only having one other kid come to the playground, my ex and I watched as two children, then three, of about third grade or so came from the public school nearby and start playing… with the parents nowhere in sight.

We made plans to leave.  However, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere with these kids on the playground, and some grown man across the park, who was still looking… wherever.

Finally, the man folded up his chair, after sitting in the park for what had to have been an hour and a half, packed it into his van (which I know sounds cliched, but it’s true, it was a van) and drive away… after circling the park for a block.

It wasn’t until the van was out of sight until we finally picked up the kids and left.

People.

You might be a single parent.  You might be a couple of parents that both work.  I don’t know what scenarios you might have.  However, the lesson here I think is a good one:  pick up your young children from school.  You never know who might be watching, and if that individual – who might have been no more than a person watching cars drive by in the park, mind you – had harmed your children because they were vulnerable and you were simply too busy to pick them up from school on a regular weekday… well, where would you be then?

Just a story with a happy ending.

Today.

Financial Moves To Make Right Now If You Are Considering A Divorce

Many moons ago when I first started the blog Single Dads, I wrote a post where I gave you a list that included a bunch of things that you could do immediately financially for your kids.  In the spirit of the immediate fix, I’ve decided to jot down a few things that you can do immediately if you are deciding about getting a divorce from the financial side.

Get a new checking account. Be honest and start thinking about your family’s shared cash. Is it possible that your soon to be ex will drain your joint accounts? If the answer is “maybe”, then you have a problem, especially if it’s a contentious situation. Get a new bank account.

Start looking at your credit card situation.  If you’re at all like me, you’ll find that you had a lot more than cash tied up in your ex – you’ve got credit tied up in them as well. Unfortunately, anyone will tell you that credit can be your death if things go sour.  Divorce is death on your credit.  I immediately stopped using my cards that I shared with the ex when I had that “feeling”. You should too, if you know what’s good for you.  You are going to need that money, probably to pay lawyers.

Closing vehicle loans.  Seriously, do you really want to haggle over who gets the SUV if the dreaded thing goes down?  How about do you want to haggle over the SUV loan?  Please.  Get rid of the payment if you can.

Those are just a few ideas.  You’ve got to consider wills, insurance, and other financial matters as well.  And most importantly, know where you are going to LIVE.  You need a place to hang your hat.