Ok, so has anyone had a problem that they absolutely, positively, couldn’t explain?
I do. It’s called severe, nasty sleeplessness.
It started out several years ago. College, I think. Personally, I think that it began with a problem with an old girlfriend. It was funny, I was all pretty much ok, and then, out of nowhere, I just… stopped sleeping. At first, it was just a little passing joke – something that I thought that I could get over. Then, it became much more serious. There were weeks at a time where sleeping was just not an option. And it always happened at the same two times of year:
1. Christmas holidays.
2. Early spring.
However, I am not one of those people that tries to ignore those types of problems. I read books, I worked hard, I tried to do new things.
And with that, after a while, the problem somewhat went away.
But I had to deal with it again, twice. And, as some of you might guess, I’m presently dealing with it again now, as it’s 5:12am in Denver, and I’ve been wide awake since 12am. That would make it more than a week since I’ve gotten more that three hours of sleep.
Events and such can sometime cause this kind of situation. Also, desperation. Like several friends have often said, "It’s not that I’m crazy for not sleeping at night. It’s just that the voices in my head are always louder when the lights are out." Ha ha. But there is a nugget of truth in that statement.
Depression, loneliness, and such are nasty things. They will keep you awake. They will convince you to do things that aren’t the best for you. They will break you and help you to destroy your own life if you aren’t careful.
So, with this in mind, I will tell you all a secret; something that I’ve thought carefully, and quite a bit, about, in the last several days. One of those things in the Post Secret type of mindset, so why I’m posting it as a basically non-anonymous person, I have no idea. But I think that I need to get it off my chest.
When I was a sophomore in college, I met what I thought was the love of my life. We got pregnant, and had an abortion. And, in all honesty, I have not been the same ever since.
That is not a license for all of the anti-abortion types to start hatin’ on me or this blog, nor is it an invitation that all pro-choice types (of which, I am one) to start coming out and high-fiving me. My blog is pretty politics neutral. It’s just the way that it is. But to be honest, I have not been the same person since that girl, that I loved dearly, had that abortion. That’s all.
In the meantime, I’m going to try to get some serious, serious help and figure out why, after all these years, I still occasionally can’t sleep at night, and why, after all of these years, I still dream about that situation, and when I don’t dream about it, I just… lie awake.
Ok. That’s all I’ve got, laid out for the world to see. Jennifer, if you are out there, I’m sorry, sincerely, and I still miss you.
This post, though, is for Tim R. Rest in peace, brother. Your friends and family lost you too soon.